Another sleepless night and somehow, I'm a bit more comforted. Had time to calm down after another 4 hours of painting. Got to watch Conan O'Brien for the first time in 5ish years, which is just always a pleasure.
So when I wasn't sleeping I was thinking about what it means to be both a Jesus-loving life form and a human. All day yesterday I was just mad. Just mad. I was mad at the people in our way, I was mad at God. At just everything. Today I'm a bit better, still have a bit of animosity towards certain things but we're getting there.
I was reminded by none other than Andy Landers himself (in a song, that is) about what a life in Christ can look like. Sometimes I forgot God has told us it wouldn't be easy. I think He says something like, and I'm paraphrasing here; "if you live for me you might die for me. This life might suck sometimes and it might suck most of the time but it will be worth it. If you wanted an easy, happy-all-the-time life you should be a Scientologist" (no offense to Scientologists but you people do seem freakishly happy all the time).
So I'm okay. At the end of this, whenever that may be, the result is the same. We get Tariku. What a blessing that is. I can understand why God might continue to test our resolve on this and I am happy to report, though I'm certainly not perfect, my resolve has never been stronger.
Jody always says, no one adopts by accident. You don't wake up one morning and found you've adopted on a drunken night 2 weeks ago. You don't decide just once in a 9-month period to adopt. You decide every day. You decide every time you write a check (which is often), you decide every time you sign a piece of paper (which is often) and you decide EVERY TIME someone asks you why you're adopting (which is also often). So I've decided, through all of that and more, that I love adopting. That I would continue to encourage and support anyone and everyone who expressed a desire in it. Because through it all, even though I don't have Tariku yet, he is so. worth. it.
Here's a sample of one of my favorites off Andy's new CD (buy it here).
I stand here before you with all that I am
I'm reminded of all that You are.
Your mercy runs towards me and whispers my name
And Grace comes alive in my Heart
It defies comprehension that you would atone
So grateful that you would persist
You have retrieved me and called me your own
There's nothing more magnificent than this
I'm no writer, I assure you. Just a woman with a few things on her mind. A mom that makes mistakes, a wife that loves her husband more than words can say and a woman constantly seeing God in the everyday.
5 comments:
it will be such a cool story of how you 'persisted' and called Tariku by name and gave him your name...even when it wasn't easy. it is magnificent.
hang in there.
love you.
so glad you are a bit better this morning. thought about you last night and went to bed last night with thoughts of tariku, zeke and kora dancing in my head. you are a mom. you will fight for him. i get that. keep reminding yourself of how the PROCESS has become such a life-changing ordeal!! prayers going up for you...
Hang in there. Don't let the process take over the light at the end of the tunnel. These are the times when faith is not easy, but the struggles make the reward so much sweeter. Prayers and hugs,
Erica
Your strength impresses the heck out of me -- and I just don't mean at Pump. :) You already are a great mom to Tariku. Janet
It's obvious that through the struggle, through the pain, and through all the emotional ups and downs, there is immense growth! Your passion is beautiful!
Post a Comment