Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I'm Moving!

Such exciting news over here. I finally did it. I finally moved my blog.

It's been a long time coming, you see. I've been over the title "Hotflawedmama" for as long as it's been in existence but when I mentioned to people that I was going to be moving they'd say, "You can't do that! You are hotflawedmama!"

It is true that I am flawed, a mom and-when the light hits me right-hot (to Zach) but it was never supposed to be an actual blog name.

So I created a new one. You can go over there from now on. I'll be blogging the same boring stuff but I now feel fancier.

If you're inclined, I would love for you to follow me over there. Change me in your google reader and all of that jazz. I'm still figuring out wordpress so there will undoubtedly be a learning process but I'm excited! Once I figure out how to move all of my posts over there (anyone have any idea how to do that?) I'll feel like it's official.

See you here!

Saturday, March 02, 2013

It's Going to Hurt

Having little A has been mostly amazing, obviously a little stress and exhaustion are mixed in there too, but mostly amazing.

Today I was changing A when I felt Tariku staring at me. I smiled at him, "What's up, babe?"

"I like watching you with A, I feel like that's how you would have been to me if you had me when I was 2."

"Oh Tariku, I think I would've been even better with you. Because you are my son and I knew it from the moment I met you. With A I don't know how long she'll be with us so I can feel myself holding back a little bit. Sometimes it's scary to fall in love with someone if you know they might leave. You ever felt like that before?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what that feels like."

One of the more remarkable things that has come with us becoming foster parents is just how it's affecting our adopted kiddos, specifically Tariku. I've been pleasantly surprised to see they are reassured of their permanency every time another child comes for a bit then leaves.

I'm so thankful for where we're at. It was a long road to get here but dammit it was worth it.

Saturday, February 23, 2013


Baby girl A ended up arriving on Thursday. She is beyond adorable and we are quickly falling in love with her. Though I've called my brother and sister-in-law no fewer than 10 times in the last few days with questions like, "Do 18-month-olds eat with regular silverware or do they need those baby spoons?" And, "What kind of carseat will I be needing?" I am nothing if not a lifetime learner so it's been fun to regain some of this knowledge I once had but tucked away. No idea how long A will be with us but we'll be thankful for the moments-good and bad-and go from there.

Yesterday my brother graduated from Palmer School of Chiropractic. For anyone who doesn't know Marcus, he is pretty quiet guy. Thus, my whole family was surprised (only because he never said anything) that he had in fact graduated Magna Cum Laude. If you're in the Altoona, Iowa area he'll be setting up Dawson Chiropractic inside of the Altoona Family Chiropractic office on 8th St (by Fireside) soon! Of course I got all big sisterly the last couple of days because I am just so proud of the man he is, the husband and daddy and of the chiropractor he'll be. Love you Dr. Dawson!

My siblings (and niece, of course, she can't get far from her aunties when we're around).

Zach was chosen as the Young Leader of the Community. We went to the ceremony last night where they mentioned they had the most amount of nominations they've ever had. What I loved the most was the ways they talked about him actually changing the community in which we live. Though he has taken Camp Abe Lincoln from operating in the red to operating in the black, he has done so much more. I have always shouted his praises from this particular blog rooftop but I was so thankful the rest of the community is catching on.

There was a caricature artist at the ceremony last night. We had to bring baby A with us, as she can't be babysat by my parents like the rest of my kids (only certified foster/adopt/respite people are allowed to baby sit kids in the foster care system) so she got in on the action too.

My parents and grandparents made the trip to Davenport to celebrate Marcus's graduation, as well as Lindsey's (Marcus's wife) parents. Some of my favorite moments this week were spent these last few days talking to all of those people. I am very blessed to have such a great family. And particularly blessed by my niece Adley Sue who looks up to Trysten like no other. They were so cute last night.

And tonight Trysten has his birthday sleepover with a few friends and 2 of my nephews. He is so excited and I am admittedly excited too. I'm grateful he has learned to make great choices in the friend department, so it's always a pleasure to see Trysten in that element. Also, time with my nephews? Can't get enough. But first, a little ice cream to start off his festivities today.

Happy weekend to you!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I have a few minutes before the kids get home from school so I wanted to sort through my thoughts a bit. Since Zach isn't here I guess you guys will do. ;)

I got a call yesterday about fostering a little 1 1/2-year-old. In the past we have fostered a newborn and a 9-year-old. The newborn was fun for all of his cute, squishy goodness but a real wake up call -literally- when it came to nighttime feedings and whatnot. Our lives, as it turns out, are so far removed from babies that it was just too much of an adjustment.

The 9-year-old was much the same story. We are not actually "open" to a child that old (we signed on for 0-5) but it turns out they'll call you on anything. Anything. We've had calls ranging from 0 to 17-years-old. True. Story. And for a girl like me, it's really really hard to say no. No matter if they are a 17-year-old boy with significant issues or a newborn baby with no issues. The 9-year-old was kind of thrust at us, for lack of better term, and we felt unprepared to say no. Mostly because they handed us her contract right in front of her. We loved and cared for her for a week and then she found a more permanent place.

So we've learned lots of lessons already, which I guess is good. The hard part for me is our learning has come at the expense of actual children. Having adopted kids from hard places I know what even the smallest of things can do to a child, let alone the constant transitioning between caregivers.

After the 9-year-old I told Zach I wanted to take a break. I felt like it was too much. I had forgotten how hard it was on everyone (and selfishly, on me) to attach to new people. I had forgotten how emotionally draining it is to be everything for a child who has nothing. It. is. hard. And I wanted to be done with it.

But something kept pulling at me. If you're anything like me, you too constantly gravitate towards comfort. I want things to be easy, I desire stress free environments. Fostering is not easy. There, I said it. The reality is, though, I really do believe we are made to live in tension. Particularly those of us who are blessed to have enough food, clean water, shelter and jobs every day. For those of us who have the basics cared for, I am convinced we are meant to live in a place where we are challenged, always moving forward either on our behalf or neighbors'.

It looks differently for everyone (I'm certainly not one to say everyone should adopt or foster or do the things I'm doing) which is kind of what I love about the whole thing. If we actually act on what pulls us, if we actually do the things that might make us uncomfortable at first but has the potential to change us...well then we really could change the world. Each in our own little ways, each in our own little spheres of influence.

Tomorrow a little girl will get off a plane and come live at camp for awhile. I have no idea for how long  and I have no idea what it will look like to have her here. Today I'm going through where she will sleep, where we will put her clothes (where will we get clothes?). But tonight while I try-and fail- to sleep I'll think about my fears and hopes and dreams and anxieties. Like I do all the time. Whether we have foster children or not.

Because if there's one thing I know for sure, the tension I'm living in today always results in a breakthrough of sorts. Usually it's a realization of my own shortcomings but sometimes it's a revelation that even someone like me-a deeply flawed human-can affect even a little bit of change. I just have to get over myself a bit and allow it to happen naturally on it's own.

In the meantime I'd take prayers and positive thoughts, not for me but for her-that she might have patience with me. And that she might know regardless, she is a deeply loved human.

Monday, February 18, 2013


I really liked this post by one of my favorite bloggers about how we view missions, etc. Please go to that link (and, if you have time, follow the other links she uses). I'll wait...

So I got a new (to me) computer from a friend of mine. She (the computer) is beautiful and fast and sleek. I love her. I feel a brand new excitement over blogging because things actually happen when I ask them to and that is very new and refreshing. It's also easier to post pictures. Yay!

In the car Tariku and I fell asleep. When I woke up he was draped over my shoulder with his hands encircling mine. We have come a long way, my friends.

Dailah is in a new dance studio this year. It is SO much better than her last one. I loved this quote from her studio, "Today is your day to DANCE lightly with life, sing WILD songs of adventure, soar your spirit, unfurl your joy."

Went on a date with the hubs. I don't love Valentine's Day. I hate anything that feels forced and unnatural. A day to celebrate love is my kind of day but a day to celebrate love forced on us by mega corporations? Nothankyouverymuch. So every year Zach and I pick a different day to celebrate love. It's our way of throwing our fist up at the man.

The kids went to their first Iowa Hawkeye wrestling meet. The Hawks are really, really good so it was a lot of fun. The big 3 got front row seats with their grandpa while the rest of us sat a little higher. It was so much fun.

Tomas had his first piano "recital" last night. He has only been playing for a few months so it was mostly just showing us what he had learned. Regardless, I was so proud of him.

Tomas was SO nervous-as evidenced by his chewing his fingernails off. But he killed it. My precious son. A lot of our family came to watch his debut. For our kids from hard places there is something so profound about people they love showing up. When Tomas woke up yesterday he put on the nicest outfit he owns. All black with a red tie. Upon seeing his outfit the rest of his siblings emerged with similar looking outfits in solidarity. It meant so much to him. I just think that is the coolest. I think he is the coolest.

Not to be outdone, Zach and his brother Jake performed a little Heart and Soul as well. They looked like a couple of twins. I loved every second.