Tomorrow

I have a few minutes before the kids get home from school so I wanted to sort through my thoughts a bit. Since Zach isn't here I guess you guys will do. ;)

I got a call yesterday about fostering a little 1 1/2-year-old. In the past we have fostered a newborn and a 9-year-old. The newborn was fun for all of his cute, squishy goodness but a real wake up call -literally- when it came to nighttime feedings and whatnot. Our lives, as it turns out, are so far removed from babies that it was just too much of an adjustment.

The 9-year-old was much the same story. We are not actually "open" to a child that old (we signed on for 0-5) but it turns out they'll call you on anything. Anything. We've had calls ranging from 0 to 17-years-old. True. Story. And for a girl like me, it's really really hard to say no. No matter if they are a 17-year-old boy with significant issues or a newborn baby with no issues. The 9-year-old was kind of thrust at us, for lack of better term, and we felt unprepared to say no. Mostly because they handed us her contract right in front of her. We loved and cared for her for a week and then she found a more permanent place.

So we've learned lots of lessons already, which I guess is good. The hard part for me is our learning has come at the expense of actual children. Having adopted kids from hard places I know what even the smallest of things can do to a child, let alone the constant transitioning between caregivers.

After the 9-year-old I told Zach I wanted to take a break. I felt like it was too much. I had forgotten how hard it was on everyone (and selfishly, on me) to attach to new people. I had forgotten how emotionally draining it is to be everything for a child who has nothing. It. is. hard. And I wanted to be done with it.

But something kept pulling at me. If you're anything like me, you too constantly gravitate towards comfort. I want things to be easy, I desire stress free environments. Fostering is not easy. There, I said it. The reality is, though, I really do believe we are made to live in tension. Particularly those of us who are blessed to have enough food, clean water, shelter and jobs every day. For those of us who have the basics cared for, I am convinced we are meant to live in a place where we are challenged, always moving forward either on our behalf or neighbors'.

It looks differently for everyone (I'm certainly not one to say everyone should adopt or foster or do the things I'm doing) which is kind of what I love about the whole thing. If we actually act on what pulls us, if we actually do the things that might make us uncomfortable at first but has the potential to change us...well then we really could change the world. Each in our own little ways, each in our own little spheres of influence.

Tomorrow a little girl will get off a plane and come live at camp for awhile. I have no idea for how long  and I have no idea what it will look like to have her here. Today I'm going through where she will sleep, where we will put her clothes (where will we get clothes?). But tonight while I try-and fail- to sleep I'll think about my fears and hopes and dreams and anxieties. Like I do all the time. Whether we have foster children or not.

Because if there's one thing I know for sure, the tension I'm living in today always results in a breakthrough of sorts. Usually it's a realization of my own shortcomings but sometimes it's a revelation that even someone like me-a deeply flawed human-can affect even a little bit of change. I just have to get over myself a bit and allow it to happen naturally on it's own.

In the meantime I'd take prayers and positive thoughts, not for me but for her-that she might have patience with me. And that she might know regardless, she is a deeply loved human.

...

I really liked this post by one of my favorite bloggers about how we view missions, etc. Please go to that link (and, if you have time, follow the other links she uses). I'll wait...

So I got a new (to me) computer from a friend of mine. She (the computer) is beautiful and fast and sleek. I love her. I feel a brand new excitement over blogging because things actually happen when I ask them to and that is very new and refreshing. It's also easier to post pictures. Yay!


In the car Tariku and I fell asleep. When I woke up he was draped over my shoulder with his hands encircling mine. We have come a long way, my friends.

Dailah is in a new dance studio this year. It is SO much better than her last one. I loved this quote from her studio, "Today is your day to DANCE lightly with life, sing WILD songs of adventure, soar your spirit, unfurl your joy."

Went on a date with the hubs. I don't love Valentine's Day. I hate anything that feels forced and unnatural. A day to celebrate love is my kind of day but a day to celebrate love forced on us by mega corporations? Nothankyouverymuch. So every year Zach and I pick a different day to celebrate love. It's our way of throwing our fist up at the man.

The kids went to their first Iowa Hawkeye wrestling meet. The Hawks are really, really good so it was a lot of fun. The big 3 got front row seats with their grandpa while the rest of us sat a little higher. It was so much fun.

Tomas had his first piano "recital" last night. He has only been playing for a few months so it was mostly just showing us what he had learned. Regardless, I was so proud of him.

Tomas was SO nervous-as evidenced by his chewing his fingernails off. But he killed it. My precious son. A lot of our family came to watch his debut. For our kids from hard places there is something so profound about people they love showing up. When Tomas woke up yesterday he put on the nicest outfit he owns. All black with a red tie. Upon seeing his outfit the rest of his siblings emerged with similar looking outfits in solidarity. It meant so much to him. I just think that is the coolest. I think he is the coolest.

Not to be outdone, Zach and his brother Jake performed a little Heart and Soul as well. They looked like a couple of twins. I loved every second.

Heeey

I have this friend since second grade, when we talk on the phone (every couple months or so) we open with "heeeey" (pronounced like "hay" with the "a" drawn out). Every time I can hear her smile-and I'm sure she can hear me smile as well-and then we pick up where we left off. The "heeey" is our way of saying, "I'm sorry it's been so long, we have 10 kids between us, life is bound to go too quickly."

So...heeeey.

I think the best way I can summarize what's been going on is with bullet points.

-The big 3 are wrestling. My dad was a good wrestler, as was my brother. I come from "a wrestling family", as it were. If you live in Iowa and you say you are from "a wrestling family" you automatically get a little more street cred. This state is crazy about its men in tights rolling around with each other. Because I've loved my little brother so intensely for as long as I can remember I used to hate watching him wrestle. It's just so intense, it's just so vulnerable. Weeeell, it's way worse as a mom. Boys had their first tournament last weekend and I really did feel like I was going to throw up all day. It is insanely hard to watch them get beat at something. I'm nowhere close to a helicopter parent but in those moments I see why it's an epidemic in this nation-in many ways it'd be so much easier to shelter my kids from experiencing that for as long as I can. Instead, I sign them up for another tournament this weekend. Builds character, right?

-We got a new kitten. Made the mistake of going to a friend's house who lives in the country. Their farm cat had 7 farm kittens. Say what you will but dammit if the sight of all 5 of my kids begging me for another cat isn't impossible to say no to. Zach finds it just as difficult, thus: Evie D. ("Evie" for Z's grandma "Evelyn" and "D" for my grandma "Delores".) She's sassy and fun and funny just like our grandmas. Oh, and we brought her home on New Years EVE. It's just the perfect name. :)

-I took the GRE. Yeah I did. I decided to apply to grad school. It's something I knew I wanted to do since I was in college myself, but I've loved raising my kids so much. Now that they're in school it's just good timing. I'm going for my PhD in Communication Studies, hoping to one day teach at the collegiate level. If I get in then I know it was as good a timing as we thought, if not, there's always next year!

-Christmas was amazing. Many times on Christmas Day I looked around me and thought "I never even thought to dream this big." That is how good life is right now. It's busy, and it's crazy but it's good. This year we did the "Something you want, something you need, something you wear and something you read." Then a gift from Santa and some stocking stuffers from us. I LOVED it. By nature I love things simple and efficient, so that fit the bill extremely well. If you've been looking to downsize presents in order to focus on more important stuff, I can't urge you enough to do something like it.

-I'm going to Haiti in just over a week. After Wine to Water Jody asked if I'd like to go and see just how good The Adventure Project really is. Um, yeah. Many times, particularly as money is always tight around Christmas, I'd say to Zach, "Honey I just won't go to Haiti, it's fine." And God love him, he consistently said, "It doesn't matter, you have to go, Tesi. I won't let you not go." Sweet Jesus I love that man. So I'm going. I am really, really excited.

So much more has gone on, obviously, in the last few months. But as I rang in the new year with my kiddos, my hubby and my sister/brother-in-law I couldn't help but realize just how great this year was. We had our struggles, boy did we! But they were worth it. Because we've come to 2013 and we are stronger and happier than ever.

We have no idea what 2013 holds for us but we are excited about life. We are thankful for it. And I'll take that any day.

y'all

life is good.

My sister said to me the other day, "So...you just gonna blog once a month now or what?"

It's never my intention, obviously, I love this little space. Where I get to write about whatever I want and connect in whatever small way I do with all of you.

But life has been good. It's been busy. Not in the way that we're 400 places in a day or constantly on the move but in the, "I haven't taken a hike and caught helpless frogs for a couple hours, let's go do that" kind of way.

Which is definitely my favorite kind of way to be "busy".

The 3 bigs are currently playing Monopoly, Dailah and Bean are playing Barbies and cars respectively and I'm watching with a quiet grin. Thinking about how much I wanted to share all this with someone, with you.

I was thinking today on the way back home from Des Moines about all of the growth people see in their lifetime. I was comparing myself 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 2 years ago to myself now and I couldn't believe how different I am now. I remembered how I thought I knew everything then, that I had it figured out and how now I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface of all I want to know. I have days where I don't want to go to bed because I want to stay up learning, and living and loving. Are there enough moments in the day for all of that? Sometimes it feels like there most definitely aren't.

I was thinking about how I have some amazing friends in my life. I used to be one who just wanted the most amount of friends. Not so I could look around and say, "Wow, look at how awesome I am with all of these friends" but rather so that I could tell each one a little something but never have just 1 that knew everything about me. It felt safer that way. But I do now. I have friends who know everything about me and holy sh*t they still love me, that's a pretty amazing. I'm sure you all figured this out before me, but life is much fuller when you have these kinds of relationships.

Of all my sweet babies Tariku still struggles the most. More on this later but I think constantly about him and how much I wish things were different for him. That I wish brokenness and poverty and suffering weren't part of the picture for anyone in the world.

I'm reading a book called, "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, How we can learn to fulfill our potential". Long title, interesting read so far. Now, I don't care much about "success" or not the general definition we Americans usually refer to it by but this book interests me a lot because it talks about a fixed mindset compared to a growth mindset. It's got me thinking about what we tell ourselves. The lies and truths about who we are, who we think we are and who we talk ourselves into being. We start young, if my kids are any indication, and various people throughout our lives can affect the way we see all of that. It's made me even more aware of the power of words, how a subtle difference between "wow, you're really good at that!" or "my goodness, you worked really hard at that!" can change the way we view success. Good stuff. Still have some unpacking to do with that.

My hair: have some really good thoughts on my hair. It's all feminist rant right now so I'll save that for when I have a slightly clearer head. ;)

Next weekend we are Mehaber bound. Very excited to see some good friends and sad to hear some aren't able to make it. Let me know if you'll be there and we'll figure out a way to meet!

Exciting news coming. More on that later too. :)

Summer break

ya'll summer is here. And I love it.

I get to wake up leisurely and then shuffle to Dailah's room where, still groggy from waking up, she opens her arms and beckons me to snuggle. Minutes spent breathing in her wonderfulness and talking about what she's looking forward to that day. Leave her to dress herself and shuffle downstairs.

The boys wake up before the girl so as I come down the stairs I give a quick, "Good morning, Klipschs!" and hear 8 tiny feet running to swarm me with hugs. They tell me of their dreams and then run off to start their chores.

I make coffee and begin the breakfast buffet.

Minutes later I hear daddy and daughter coming down the stairs together. I pour my love his coffee and set the table for my babes.

We eat together sometimes, or I postpone my morning breakfast to eat with the man I love more than anyone else.

Kids brush teeth and run to play outside, Zach and I shuffle to the couches to enjoy another cup of coffee together.

It's all so wonderful, so relaxed. I know the kids sometimes miss their friends from school but for me, I hit summer and never look back. It's everything to me having us all together for unrushed time in the morning (and sometimes all day).

So if you need me I'll be here, soaking in every minute, thankful I have them with these people in this spot.

On healing

Let me tell you a little something about our Tariku. He is smart, really smart. Top of his class, TAG, reading books past his age level-smart. He is sweet. Let me carry 40 bags so you don't have to carry any, let me take my sister to the bathroom, let me make life easier for you-sweet. He is gorgeous. Did you see that kid in the catalog? Tariku is way cuter-gorgeous. He is a good friend, a great brother and a terrific son.

And he has the worst self esteem of anyone I have ever known. He has virtually no memories of Ethiopia anymore and yet, deep inside him the only thing that remains is the idea that he's not loved. That he's not lovable. That he. wasn't. wanted.

That's it. That's the extent of what he brought with him for the most part.

This shows itself in a myriad of ways. Instead of telling us the truth about a situation he will opt instead for what he thinks we want to hear. When he gets praised he shifts his eyes and changes the subject or gets very anxious. Things like that.

Then there is, of course, the making decisions that don't really make any sense. Zach and I both know at least part of the time he's doing them (perhaps subconsciously) to prove that he's unlovable and unworthy of our love. We know Tariku wants to test how real and true our love is, where our line is. No matter how many times we tell him there is literally nothing on Earth he could do to make us stop loving him or stop us from being his parents he can't take that in. He can't allow that to penetrate his heart's center.

A week ago when we were trying to talk to Tariku about a decision he made at school he was shutting down. He does this virtually any time we try talking to him about reasons for his behavior (truthfully, it's so rare that it doesn't come up often). Zach, out of nowhere, asks him if he'd like to write down his feelings instead of talk to us about them.

And friends, the things that came pouring out of him made me weep. 3 pages of things. Things that were buried deep-4 years deep. Things like,

"When you get mad at me I feel like I'm not part of the family."

"I don't feel good." (as in "I don't feel like I'm a good person")

Things like that. Things he's never told us, never even hinted at.

Deep things, powerful things, touching things. Wise and old things. Hurt and trauma. Loss.

It was all there. Of course we knew it was there before but we had never heard him say it, we only saw how he was choosing to act it out.

Loss, hurt, trauma in a 7-year-old? That acting out can alienate you, it can hinder the relationship and can cause resentment and frustration and anger (from all sides), believe me, I know.

This last year, though, it's been a huge year for us. These last weeks since he started writing in his journal? Life. changing.

He still gets in trouble from time to time. He still makes poor (7-year-old) decisions.

But we know now. We know he knows that we want to hear all of that. That maybe, in fact, we knew all of that before. And that we loved him anyway.

That we knew his worst and we loved him still, perhaps even more.

That's what we all want, right? People to know our ugly, our worst, our shame and to love us anyway?

Our kids from broken places need that from us. And we will fall, we will fail. We will have days when we yell and when we wish this wasn't our life right now. That will happen because we are human.

But every day is a new day. Every moment is a new moment. We get new chances constantly.

And even when it feels like they are winning, when they have frustrated us so much we don't particularly like them in that moment we will still show up. Our love will show up. And it. will. win.

That's what I learned these last few weeks. Shame and loss and all of that, it doesn't hold any weight when compared to how much I love Tariku.

One day Tariku is going to see himself the way I see him, the way God sees him. That day is not today and it's not tomorrow but we are getting there. And today? Today I'm just so thankful for that.

My (early) birthday weekend

My birthday is in June. Every year just before my birthday Zach's schedule starts getting crazy. Pulling 15 hour days and such. So we never really get to do anything big for it because Zach typically can't leave camp and then there's that detail about having 5 kids home from school for the summer.

So this year my birthday is a bigger one (30, woot!) and Zach was determined to do it right. He asked what I wanted and I basically wanted 2 things: 1) friends/family around me hanging out and 2) not to plan a damn thing.

My really ridiculously wonderful husband decided on Galena, Illinois. He sent out an email to some friends and family asking who could get a babysitter for the weekend to come hang with us. Zach rented a 5 bedroom home for Friday and Saturday nights. It boasted things like a bar, hot tub and couches made for cuddling. Oh, and a full kitchen because I expected my guests to bring their favorite dishes (I know, I'm kind of high maintenance at 30, as it turns out).

If I learned one thing this weekend it's this: I am so very blessed. I cried many times and they were happy tears, grateful tears, bless-ed tears. I am a lucky lady.

There was dining at delicious Italian restaurants where they sat us in what appeared to be a wine cellar which, if you've been following this blog long enough, knows that is both the best and worst ideas for a lady like me. Yum.

There was Saturday morning golfing for the men and shopping for the women.

There were mixed drinks made (this one would be white sangria by my beloved bestie, Chrissy. Doesn't it look delicious?) and overflowing hot tubs.

I enjoyed taking pictures (per usual). This one for my sister and her boyfriend...lest they need some pictures for their wedding album one day. Cough. Please God. Cough.

And this one for my brother and sister-in-law who will be celebrating 2 years of wedded bliss in a few weeks.

There was cooking (my favorite guacamole of all time by Mr. Bruce himself).

There was snuggling with the ladies who make up my Red Tent. This picture makes me cry. Damn I love those ladies so much. (Missing Chrissy :( ).

There were back rubs

And gorgeous views as we sipped our coffees and/or wine.

There was bonding of brothers

and fires built.

There was a protective sister asking sister's boyfriend what his intentions are and then trying to make him understand how thankful we are that he's made our sister so happy. Yes, there was lots of that.

There was some pretending that Ashley "Hot Pocket" was a Berger kid.

And also some begging that the smallest woman would sit on my lap to make me feel like a giant on my birthday weekend.

There was dancing, of course there was. (With a cup of "8:30 Perker" also known as coffee, Bailey's and raspberry vodka. Pin it people, you're welcome).

There were gifts from Chrissy. Mine is the palest dead looking arm the orange one that says, "Plant Peace". I love it.

There was lots of sibling bonding. My first tears of the weekend came Friday morning when I sent off a simple text of "Woooooot" to those coming Friday night. My brother, who is typically short on words, replied, "Oh ya". My sister, also short on words, "woot". They were my first best friends. They are still a few of the biggest blessings of my life. I am so, so thankful for the beautiful relationships I now enjoy with both of them (and their significant others). We may all be very different but I would die for these people, I really would

Sibling bonding covered my brother-in-law too (obviously). He is just plain awesomesauce. Particularly when he's laying in the grass commenting on the beauty of the stars or the song of the birds. Also when he...

makes weird faces in pictures. My brother made me a cake. It didn't matter if it was from a box, my little brother made me a cake. I ate the shit out of that boxed cake and could definitely feel the love there.

There were some hangovers (as there usually is when celebrating one's 30th birthday) and subsequent wearing-of-women's-glasses by a typically reserved man.

And perhaps most of all there was a woman, who is about to turn 30, thankful for a man who loves her enough to set up spreadsheets and send them to her friends. Who organized the weekend of a lifetime. There was a woman who looked at her husband and knew that the last 10 years with him have been the best of her life but the next 70 are sure to be even better.

There was love. There was laughter. There were memories created and hugs shared. There was bliss.

Mindless Monday

• Some bloggers do a "Mindless Monday" and then have really interesting, dynamic and thought provoking material. This is not what this is. This blog is seriously "mindless". You're welcome.

 

• A few people had follow up questions about my vegetarian post.

Do you pack the kids's lunches? Yes we do. It looks the same pretty much everyday. A PB&J (with my grandma's delicious homemade jelly!), a fruit (strawberries, grapes, blueberries and blackberries), veggie straws or apple straws (each kid likes one or the other so they get their choice), and then a piece or two of chocolate if we have it (around holidays usually) or my homemade granola bars. For a drink it's usually water or chrystal lite. They love it and are bummed if we run out of supplies before grocery day.

 

Do you make the kids eat vegetarian/vegan? When we're at home I'm cooking so yes, they eat what we're eating. When we're out to eat they can order whatever they want. I feel good about the fact that they are eating with us the majority of the time and are thus eating mostly a whole foods diet.

 

Do your kids really eat that stuff? Mine wouldn't get near it! A few of my kids (Tomas and Tariku) are terrific about eating whatever I put in front of them. The other 3 don't eat quite so quickly with certain things. ;) The reality is, though, they know there aren't any options. So they eat enough to satisfy themselves and then they are done. My hubs used to only eat meat and cheese. He hated vegetables and/or anything remotely healthy for you. Now he doesn't eat meat and cheese and loves veggies. We really don't want our kids to wait until they're 30 to discover a beautiful taste palate.

 

What do you eat?!?!? We eat really well! For the most part I take advantage of our library system and rent new cookbooks all of the time. There are great ones for both vegetarian cooking and vegan cooking. That would be my best recommendation. There are good ones and bad ones. The good ones I put on a list of ones to buy and when I have enough that I'll be able to get free shipping then I'll just buy them at once. ;) Also, there are REALLY great blogs devoted entirely to whole foods living. Google it, prepare to salivate!

 

• Semi-Feral Mama wanted an update on our kitty, Mitigu. If you're a texting friend of mine, you're super annoyed about my Mitigu updates. I seriously text people pictures of him all of the time. It's getting a little ridiculous. He is cute and funny and feisty and playful. He also thinks he is a dog which is kind of awesome. My 2 favorite things about him is that he loves snuggling on my chest, particularly when I'm blogging and that as soon as Tariku goes to bed, Mitigu crawls up the ladder and goes to sleep with him. So freaking cute. I will post pictures of him as soon as I can figure out how to do it on the iPad.
• We are in the thick of sports central around here. The big 3 are on one baseball team again. Trysten is on a seperate under 9 AAU team. Then the 4 littles are all playing soccer (Tomas/Tariku on one team and Dailah/Binyam on another). Dailah is finishing her dance class with a recital on May 18th. The best part about having them so close in age (ok, there are many things) is that they all double up on teams. This means the amount of running around is decreased exponentially, which I love. It is so fun watching them play and love being involved in sports.
• Binyam, because of his club feet, didn't walk until he was almost 3. Saturday was his first soccer game (or really any athletic endeavor). He was smiling and laughing and sprinting. It was magic. He is magic.
• My women's league outdoor soccer season starts tonight. I am seriously nervous that I might die.
• Tariku has decided he wants to tell "his story" at school. More on that later. One note: it's weeks away and I'm already nervous about it. He is so brave.
• The theme of our family lately has been "responsibility". "Please be responsible and wash your little brother's dish out for him", etc. Some days they totally get it and I pat myself on the back before going to bed. Other days they fail miserably and I consider drinking at noon. C'est la vie.
• Life is beautiful and complicated and wonderful and best served with friends.