Thursday, March 13, 2008

Interuption

We interupt this regularly scheduled, somewhat witty, always sarcastic and typically "light" program to cry. And cry. And cry.

My "not fair" pitty party has reached new levels. I'm not convinced the people we hired to fight on behalf of our son are fighting as hard as I'd like them to. I'm thinking if I showed up in Addis tomorrow, without knowing any of their language, I'd get what I want. I'm convinced they'd see through all the external BS and get straight to the heart of the matter which is giving me my son.

I feel like God is keeping me restless about this for a reason. I hate ignoring Him. I'm kinda mad at Him today, I've told Him so. But I get this weird feeling like He's keeping me up at night so I can hear Him. Hmmm, what could it be?

I'm a Christian, yes. But my human nature keeps taking me over and telling me to get mean. To get nasty. To tell the people standing in our way to stick it and let me at the problem. I've always been one of those people. If I can do it, I will. I know I'll do it better than you anyways (no pride there). In my logical mind I cannot wrap my head around how this one problem has taken 6 weeks. It does not logistically fit when it's not taken ANYONE ELSE I know this long to get what we need. Logistically it makes no sense, emotionally, it certainly makes no sense. I don't want them to "try" I need them to "do".

"Advocate" now there's a word. It's why we chose our agency in the first place. We heard they were good "advocates" for the children in Ethiopia. They do great humanitarian work in country, which was important to us. I'm not feeling the advocating love for Tariku through this and it's flippin pissing me right off. It HAS to be about him. Sure, the care center is great, and people constantly remind me he's been well taken care of there. But I would hazard to guess it is not the love he needs. I would hazard to guess they don't love him like I will and they don't wake up every morning thinking about him and praying for him. I would hazard a guess that they haven't put some aspects of their lives on hold for him. I dare say he's not being taken care of AS GOOD AS HE COULD BE. And that, that's most important.

I must go teach PUMP. Tonight, I shall go up in weight in every song in hopes that I can make my physical pain match my emotional. It just feels off right now.

6 comments:

jody said...

ok, i'm a little scared of you right now...

Matthew and Amanda said...

I hear you! Right on.

Amanda

Farm-Raised said...

I hate seeing your heart broken!! What can I do? I love you!!

ChiTown Girl said...

I'm so sorry your heart is hurting right now. But, it will all be worth it in the long run. The very second you lay eyes on your beautiful son, in the flesh, all this heartache will instantly be forgotten.

Emily said...

((((HUGS))) to you...I hope it's your turn to travel soon!

Mrs. Baker said...

I get it. I totally 100% get it.