"Not Hopeful"

Those were the words Jan said to us about traveling next week. "I am not hopeful about next week". It is increasingly difficult to maintain hope at all in this process. She said 3 other families of hers are in this same boat and of course I ask why? Even though I read, and reread the poem Cassie sent me, I ask why? I'm wondering if God is hearing me and wondering if He really knows what's best for me. Clearly, I know what's best for me, right? (sarcasm there) But here I sit. Giving the kids a bath, staring at ridiculously expensive shampoo I bought for our little guy clear across the world. It's ready to suds up and I'm ready to run it over his hair. We're all ready.

I have just had so many ill-fated "intuitions" that the 20th was our week to travel. I don't know how they were so misleading as I'm usually pretty good at that kind of stuff. I guess I've never wanted something so badly for so long. I've wanted to adopt for a long time. I've wanted Tariku specifically for over 4 months. He's been ours. Legally deemed a Klipsch, for 5 weeks. I know these numbers don't mean a lot to you but they do to me. They mean A LOT to me. They mean, by all intents and purposes, that if I were anyone else but me, Tariku would be here, in this bath. He would be here being the other Ninja Turtle for Trysten and helping Dailah bang on the water drums.

This is the problem, I see him doing our every day things and yet, he is not doing those things. He's doubtfully doing any of them at the care center. I'm done talking about this. I wish I was done thinking about it, but that's not going to happen.

On a lighter note...I got A LOT of painting done today. Jody babysat the kids for the morning which was SO HELPFUL and I and another friend of mine got a lot of painting done. Just one and 3/4 rooms left and we're done painting. For life. Forever. The carpet layers (I kept calling them "carpenters" until Zach finally asked, "Tesi, seriously, do you think Jesus layed carpet?) are coming on Friday to get as much as they can done and then probably finish on Monday. I'm hoping to entice them with pizza and chocolate to work their non-Jesusesque butts off to get it done Friday. :)

Off to find chocolate of any kind and liquor of any kind. Peace out.