Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Too Much

It's gotten to be too much. I cried in the shower today. I cried in the car. There were many opportunities to cry and unfortunately I took advantage of almost all of them.

We got our fingerprints done last Friday. I emailed our SW to see how long it would take to get USCIS approval and she said it's presently taking 4-8 weeks since one of the ladies is on maternity leave. I emailed our ET coordinator and asked if we needed approval before we could get a travel date. The answer? Yes. Not only do we need approval, but the ET embassy needs it as well. I had said I'd call our Governor if it would help speed the process (someone had done this and it worked for them). Our ET coordinator said she thought it was a long shot and they only typically did it if there was a medical issue to consider.

Is the fact that a 3-year-old boy has been in an orphanage for almost 4 months not an issue? Is it an issue that he has a mother and father, completely clear of any criminal past, wanting to love and care for him more than anything? How is that not an issue that a Governor can get behind?

I wish I was a dude. My husband is a dude and I asked him how it doesn't affect him, he said he just can't think about it. He can't think about our son being one of 10ish toddlers to be fed on a schedule, potty on a schedule, bed on a schedule. He can't think about the gray walls and line of toddler beds. I wish I was a dude. I can't think of anything but those things. I am his mom. His nannies love him, I'm sure. But they have to protect their heart, these kids leave. Who can blame them? I wish I could protect my heart, but I can't. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him because of him, not because I'm paid to and not the way I do every other toddler in the building. That's what he needs.

I know all of these things are in place to protect the child but 4 months in an orphanage...I can't believe that's helping the child.

Sometimes I think God chose the wrong person. Today I just kept asking Him, "why"? Of course I feel so blessed but I can't help but beg Him to make it all EASIER. Why can't it be easier? I want this child, he theoretically wants me. Perhaps we somewhat need each other, so why can't it just be as easy as me hopping on a plane and getting him? Good God I don't know if I have it in me some days.

If we don't make it through court, if they can't give us a travel date, if I hear of too many other friends going to get their toddlers and have to picture Tariku watching his friends leave, wondering why he wasn't chosen. I don't know what I'll do. It makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me inconsolable at times.

I don't know where this is going. I just know I'm going to start finding myself guarding my heart a bit more as this process goes. Until we're on the plane to Ethiopia, I can't do it anymore. I can't think in my head "x weeks, x weeks and you can hold him, x weeks and you can kiss him, x weeks and you can rock him and tell him you love him." I can't do it. I keep freaking picturing us meeting and being together and I need to stop. It could still be too far away. I'm not sure my heart can do it anymore.

Oy, I'm out before I start crying again and Zach switches my birth control pills with Prozac (not that that would be a bad thing). :)


Cassie said...

ok, well that just plain sucks.

MRS. Carrie Herrera said...

TESI!!! There is hope! Guess what?!! Victor just got his I-601 waiver approved. THIS IS AFTER 6 months since we sent it in. It's 2008 and we started this process, our journey, three years ago on November 2005. 3 years!! It takes time but it will come. So, all we're waiting for is his passport back from the Embassy and then we'll buy the ticket. THANK THE LORD.

Mama Sweet Pea said...

It totally bites! Waiting truly sucks. This calls for choc. choc chip cookie dough by the truck load.

No words will make it feel any hugs, and I am hosting a pity party for you right coke and cookie dough in your honor!

Kimberley said...

We are praying for you!!!! I remember waiting and waiting, and crying and crying for my okay to go get Wubitu! It will be here soon (though I know not soon enough!)

Mrs. Baker said...

Oh I was totally where you are what feels like yesterday. I know it is so hard!