Too Much

It's gotten to be too much. I cried in the shower today. I cried in the car. There were many opportunities to cry and unfortunately I took advantage of almost all of them.

We got our fingerprints done last Friday. I emailed our SW to see how long it would take to get USCIS approval and she said it's presently taking 4-8 weeks since one of the ladies is on maternity leave. I emailed our ET coordinator and asked if we needed approval before we could get a travel date. The answer? Yes. Not only do we need approval, but the ET embassy needs it as well. I had said I'd call our Governor if it would help speed the process (someone had done this and it worked for them). Our ET coordinator said she thought it was a long shot and they only typically did it if there was a medical issue to consider.

Is the fact that a 3-year-old boy has been in an orphanage for almost 4 months not an issue? Is it an issue that he has a mother and father, completely clear of any criminal past, wanting to love and care for him more than anything? How is that not an issue that a Governor can get behind?

I wish I was a dude. My husband is a dude and I asked him how it doesn't affect him, he said he just can't think about it. He can't think about our son being one of 10ish toddlers to be fed on a schedule, potty on a schedule, bed on a schedule. He can't think about the gray walls and line of toddler beds. I wish I was a dude. I can't think of anything but those things. I am his mom. His nannies love him, I'm sure. But they have to protect their heart, these kids leave. Who can blame them? I wish I could protect my heart, but I can't. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him because of him, not because I'm paid to and not the way I do every other toddler in the building. That's what he needs.

I know all of these things are in place to protect the child but 4 months in an orphanage...I can't believe that's helping the child.

Sometimes I think God chose the wrong person. Today I just kept asking Him, "why"? Of course I feel so blessed but I can't help but beg Him to make it all EASIER. Why can't it be easier? I want this child, he theoretically wants me. Perhaps we somewhat need each other, so why can't it just be as easy as me hopping on a plane and getting him? Good God I don't know if I have it in me some days.

If we don't make it through court, if they can't give us a travel date, if I hear of too many other friends going to get their toddlers and have to picture Tariku watching his friends leave, wondering why he wasn't chosen. I don't know what I'll do. It makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me inconsolable at times.

I don't know where this is going. I just know I'm going to start finding myself guarding my heart a bit more as this process goes. Until we're on the plane to Ethiopia, I can't do it anymore. I can't think in my head "x weeks, x weeks and you can hold him, x weeks and you can kiss him, x weeks and you can rock him and tell him you love him." I can't do it. I keep freaking picturing us meeting and being together and I need to stop. It could still be too far away. I'm not sure my heart can do it anymore.

Oy, I'm out before I start crying again and Zach switches my birth control pills with Prozac (not that that would be a bad thing). :)