How YOU Doin?

Well apparently not that well.

Rough couple days.

Turned to cookie dough (ice cream) for the first time, if that tells you anything.

4+ months ago we saw their faces.

2+ months ago we found out they were going to be ours.

This whole thing is complicated because I have such a great life here. A redonkulessly amazing husband, some freakishly amazing kids, pretty terrific dogs, living on 250 acres of wooded property.

So please know from here on out when/if I complain about the wait, I know it will and should fall on deaf ears. With that said this here is a real portrait of waiting for an international adoption...

Our boys have been in the orphanage for a year and a half. A year and a half! Ugh, that's too long. One day in an orphanage is too long.

I've heard from a few families who have traveled and met our boys. T, they say, cries when his friends leave and asks when he's going next. He is apparently one of the oldest ones there and they are lacking in older child toys.

B, they say, snuggles on laps and gives kisses freely. Anyone who has studied kids in institutionalized care knows they often do this to try to win people over so they can come home with them. You can bet if I were in an orphanage for a year and a half I'd be snuggling up and kissing on whoever looked most likely to take me home with them. My baby B is clearly wanting us as much as we are wanting him.

They're ready, I'm ready. I, selfishly, wish the courts would push through these waiting (older) children and/or children with special needs. It just so happens our boys fall into both categories (I'll go into that later). Needless to say, it's time.

We did hear word that we will for sure be grandfathered under the 1 trip rule, which is a tremendous blessing. Praises for that to be sure.

We've gone a few weeks without any word on new court dates or travel dates from our agency which always makes me nervous. What's the hold up?

Booo, hate feeling like this. Because I have so many blessings to lean on it feels so selfish to want more. It really, really does. So be it, I'm being flippin selfish right now. I want my boys.

And you know how I mentioned I'm a "do-er"? This is what I do when I want my boys.

Set up Dailah and B's room (needs a little boy touch, I admit).



Set up Tariku and T's room. Color picked out by Tariku, he thought his older brother T would love it.



And perhaps most ridiculous...I do B's laundry (what?!?!?!?!) Yes, I wash size 3t clothes in preparation for his homecoming (most likely at least 3 months away). So clearly, that makes sense.



Zach and I have labeled all my various "personalities". There is regular Tesi, pretty laid back, pretty good humored, slightly silly. There is pregnant Tesi, not laid back at all, swollen, mostly miserable, enjoys eating entire Tombstones. Then there is adoption Tesi who worries about the smallest of things, convinces herself that people are out to get her and somehow manages to get riled up at the smallest of things.

Safe to say Zach and I want regular Tesi back. I think she'll be back tomorrow, but for today adoption Tesi has got a tight grip on the place.

On Triggers

Over the last few months I've had more people than ever email/call/Facebook me about adoption. Questions about how hard it is, how to get started, etc. I love all this interest, it's easy to answer these questions because adoption really is one of my favorite topics to discuss these days.

It's a little difficult, though, because Tariku's transition has been so good. People ask about older child adoption all the time and I find myself saying, "It's been the best thing in the world, the only way we'll ever do it...but I want you to understand it's no picnic."

And really, it is kind of a picnic, a picnic that will have moments of thunderstorms but for the most part is just this joy-filled experience.

Tariku has been home with us for just over 2 years (he came home at the age of 3, for new joiners to hotflawedmama) and has done amazingly well. In recent months we've begun to notice that he has a few triggers that, if left unchecked, will send him in to what we call "Space Cadet mode". That simply means he noticeably disengages which translates to us as not listening to anything we say, eating without stopping, etc.

One trigger we know for sure is food. Tariku was brought into the care center malnourished. To see that little boy in his first few photos with wrists the size of pencils and to see him now, filling out his baseball uniform better than his older brother is almost unbelievable. That said, it's obvious he vividly remembers a time in his life where he didn't know if or when he'd eat.

Tariku has to eat every couple of hours or he starts to "misbehave". I put that in quotes because, truly, he can't help it. We're pretty sure a part of him deep inside starts to panic when he hasn't eaten for a few hours, this little part seems to be telling him he won't get to eat for another couple days or so. Let me note here that his "misbehaving" I'll take any day over other kids I see. Like I said, it typically means he just doesn't listen, will make random bad decisions (like scream at Dailah-which he never does), etc.

We've found if we stay on top of the food thing, he's so much better throughout the day. People had mentioned having a "snack drawer" that is always available to him. I've mentioned that to him but honestly, he would just eat it all day every day. Food is that much of a trigger if he ever felt sad or lonely or frustrated, he would turn to food and I'm not sure that's exactly what I want to teach him. So I always tell him "If you're really hungry you just tell me and I'll find something". If he ever comes to me and I know there's no way he's hungry, we have some cuddle time in a chair just to chat. Or I give him a little Chrystal Lite to drink and that seems to help, I also tell him when the next time we'll eat and what it'll be, which brings us to...

Schedule. A HUGE trigger for this guy. Our assumption is that his days in Ethiopia pre-care center were probably very similar. Then one day they weren't and everything was turned upside down. Tariku is like no one else I know about schedules. Every morning we wake up he asks me to go over what we're doing for the day (which I of course do). This is such a trigger that if, for some reason, I go a different way to preschool then he starts talking in the car, "Mom, this is not how we go to school, where are we going? I thought you said we were going to school. Mom, this isn't how we go to school, why aren't we going to school?" Clearly panicking, I have to talk him down from the emotional ledge. But until we wind up at school, he goes comatose and looks out the window. It.is.heartbreaking.

The last few months have been tough with this particular trigger because we've inserted baseball practice into a routine that had pretty much been the same for over a year. On top of the change to our schedule he also goes to bed considerably later and so his exhaustion feeds his panic.

This presents itself by random things as well. For a guy who has never lost any possession of value, in the last month Tariku has lost brand new hats, brand new shoes, various toys, a few coats, etc (mercifully I've got a gift for finding stuff so most of it has subsequently been found). But all of this is so out of character and all based around the time we are running to and fro practice.

As a side note, Tariku cannot get enough of baseball, so it's not that he doesn't want to be there, it's just that it's so out of schedule that he doesn't know what to think.

We've discovered a few more that are more specific to his story, so I won't go into them here, but needless to say it all makes a lot of sense.

After parenting biological babes who have known and felt comfort and trust their whole lives, it would be very easy to dismiss or punish Tariku when he acts out. Thankfully we've taken enough adoption classes, read plenty of books, know some really smart people (check my blog roll) and have learned to listen to our parental guts to know that would be the exact opposite of what needs to be done.

Last night I had a small breakdown after one of his breakdowns because I just wanted to take it from him. I just wanted to take that heartbreaking yoke of his and place it on my sturdier shoulders. How I wish I could erase those parts of his past and leave only the good things he remembers. I wish I could take the sadness of his past and keep it inside me until he's stronger and older and can understand the various dynamics a little better.

But I can't, so we work through these things together. I try to show him every day that he will eat, we will always return home as a family, all of us together. We try to be proactive so that he doesn't become reactive.

It's not always easy but it's always worth it because at the end of the day, he is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

And really, older child adoption is truly the bomb diggity otherwise we wouldn't be doing it again (with two more!).

Great Reading

From one of the blogs I read. I'm too tired to write something specific about our family so here's something that is not specifically about our family but kind of is.


I am the Truth

Recently there have been many stories in the news regarding international adoption. Stories about corruption and trafficking, about unethical agencies and uncaring parents, about abuse and about neglect, about unprepared families and uninvolved agencies, but are those stories really the truth about what international adoption is? In the face of these stories, the Joint Council on International Children's Services has asked that all adoptive families speak out about the truth of international adoption.

But what is the truth of international adoption?

The truth is international adoption is not for the ill-prepared or the uncommitted- but then that is true of parenting- PERIOD

The truth is your child comes to you with a history that you not only were not a part of, but that you might never ever know. Some of that history may involve their first families or foster families and you will realize that these people have become part of your lives, regardless of whether or not you have ever met them or even know what they look like.

The truth is smiles and hugs, tears and tantrums, joys and sorrow

The truth is that you will always cringe when people ask you if you have children “of your own” because you understand how totally and completely your child is yours even while others can’t understand how that can be so

The truth is that your child's story becomes part OF you yet it doesn't belong TO you. It is neither yours to tell or to interpret

The truth is that love is not enough

The truth is that you occasionally feel that you have to explain or defend your family to others and this includes the seemingly positive statement that you “saved” your child. No matter how bad a situation they might have been in, what happens after an adoption is parenting, not saving.

The truth is you need to think about things you may never have ever considered before and things that maybe you would rather not consider- things like racism, classism, privilege, power and entitlement.

The truth is tiny handprints on the wall, little footprints on the floor, potty training, homework, band-aids, piles of laundry, sloppy kisses, bouquets of dandelions and belly laughs

The truth is that every news story about your child's country of origin now matters to you too

The truth is that great sadness at what was lost can exist in the same space as great joy at what was gained

The truth is that a child can be the bravest person you have ever met

The truth is that international adoption is messy and complicated and hard and amazing and wonderful

Before we began the adoption process we took some adoption classes. On the last night there was a panel of adoptive parents (all of whom had only adopted children) One by one they each told their stories and each said they could not have loved their child more if they had been born to them. And while I understood that academically, I wondered how they could be so sure. I now look at my daughters and know birth is not what makes a parent. I look at my girls and know they are mine- yet at the same time, I also know they are not mine alone. I look and wonder whose eyes do they have, where does their personality come from, how much is nurture and how much is nature. But I do know- with every fiber of my being that parenthood is not based on genetics or birth or sharing a resemblance.

The truth of international adoption is that family isn't determined by the single act of giving birth but by the act of simply BEING a family

THIS IS THE TRUTH OF INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION

Wordless Wednesday-When Tariku Does Hair

Today at Wal Mart

What a great start to a post, right?

But really, today at Wal Mart was very interesting indeed.

I decided to head there early in the AM. With the kids (all of them, in-service day for the boys). In my pajamas. Without, ahem, support for "the ladies", if you know what I mean. (I was wearing a sweatshirt, so it wasn't so obvious but we are starting a garden so I thought perhaps to fit in I should start going without "support" more often to fit in sufficiently).

Anywho, we started out at the can take back center. It had been over a month since I took back any cans so things looked really bad (beer cans, a few whiskey containers, a few wine jugs, the usual). But as I was putting the cans in the container I turned to the kids who were sprinting towards the computerized job application center.

"Kids, look at me, do not touch the screen. Understand? No touching. Did you hear?" - Me

"Yes" -kids

I turn back around to finish the can business. Take a peek at the kids just in time to watch Tariku touch the screen.

"Tariku! Come here. What are you doing?" - Me

"Touching the screen." - Tariku

"Why? Did you hear me just tell you not to do that?" - Me

"Yes." -Tariku

"Ok, well spit out your gum, and you can take a break with me then." -Me

All of a sudden a guy (we'll call him "genius"), also taking back cans, breaks out in applause.

Applause. Towards me.

He starts yelling, "Thank you! Thank you for being a good mom! Thank you for following through on what you say! Consequences, they're called consequences, people!"

Have I mentioned I love Wal Mart?

So genius and I have a good talk. About how his wife threatens the kids and then keeps threatening and then keeps threatening them.

Genius told me his kids know that when he tells them he's going to throw their butts through the window, they know he means it (we'll start calling him "misunderstood").

Ok...moving along, back to my superb mothering skills...

"Seriously", misunderstood says, "that's what's wrong with parents today though, man. They have no respect from their kids. You got that, look at him (pointing at Tariku) that kid knows you mean what you say."

And I suppose he does. I suppose all my kids do.

I'm not mean (though they might think so from time to time) but I do tend to hold my ground decently well. Sometimes, though, I get so angry I'll say something like, "Stop doing that or you'll never get a toy again for the rest of your life."

Riiiiiiight.

Either way, today I decided Wal Mart isn't so bad after all. Or at least genius/misunderstood isn't so bad.

I also decided next time I might throw on some support, a bit of mascara and really throw people for a loop in that place.

A Playdate

Have them every Wednesday. Would have them every day if I could, particularly when the temps are in the 80s!

And these two are beyond precious, so loving they truly know no strangers.




Oh but these two, are the very best of friends. Their relationship has seriously taught me a few things about my relationships. They love each other so fiercely, I can't get enough of them.

We Are The Truth

Though adoption is typically considered life giving to the children being adopted, that's not truth, it's a farce (mostly). Rather, my life was saved in a way I cannot articulate.

That is the truth, that is adoption.

Tell your story.

Wordless Wednesday-Trysten's Journal Entry

Notice the Power Ranger's thought bubble. "Poop". Really?

Wedding Saturday (and Sunday)

Did I mention my brother and Lindsey are getting married May 22, of this year? I'm so excited.

Clearly, this means every day is "go time". This weekend was "go weekend". Lindsey's sister came over Saturday and her mom and mine came Sunday to help out.

Good times. So excited for them.

First stop, THE place to get all things wedding.



Lindsey was soooo excited about the bows!!!



Pretty good little shoppers!



Then we worked on putting ribbon on bubbles. A table full of sisters and bubbles!



The finished product.



It was also my baby bro's birthday, as you know. So there were candles (and beer, obviously).



"Uncle Markie" and kids.



The happy couple and my kids.

Bad Mommy Blogger-2 Years Home

So yesterday was kind of a big day in our family. It marked 2 years since we brought Tariku home.

2 years. How is that possible?

I didn't blog, I have no pictures of our guy on this day.

I'm a horrible, horrible mom who was somehow blessed with this wonderous creature we call Tariku.

Some of my friends call this day "Mindful Monday" in the blogworld.

I have no deep thoughts about my life 2 years ago and my life now. I have talked (incessantly perhaps) about how our lives have changed since our little habesha walked into our hearts.

But honestly, the more time passes the easier it is to forget these days. To stop concentrating on milestones. Because even though they act as good reminders to say a little "thanks" heavenward, every other day he's just our son.

He's no different. He eats, sleeps, laughs and pees just like my other kids. I kiss his knees when they're bleeding, I sing his nickname song and I ache and miss him when he's not around me.

I adore his laugh, I can't get enough of watching him eat, he's life and love and brilliant and forever ours.

I had great hopes 2 years ago walking through the tunnel of the airport towards our family and our home.

But my hopes then don't compare to our present day reality.

We loved the last two years and are looking forward to the next eternity together. Love that boy.

Love, Love

I know I've told you before about how much I love my little brother. I have since the day he was born, from what I remember (except for the notable exception when I asked my Grandma-on the day of Marcus's birth 24-years-ago today-if him being born meant I couldn't sit on my mom's lap anymore....ahhhhh). Marcus was the cutest kid, the cutest kid. Always a little prone to shyness, but would always do whatever needed to be done. Help mom clean? Sure (show off). Help Tesi try on dance outfits? Sure. He was good like that.

But it's funny how relationships change and grow in different ways as we get older. I still felt/feel fiercely protective of him but it became painfully obvious he could take care of himself as the years progressed. There was one thing I knew I could do, that was pray for him, and so I did.

After I met Zach and realized just how great and fun marriage could be, I started praying for my brother and sister to find that too. I started praying that they find people who can make them feel the way Zach made me feel, have a relationship that was so fulfilling like ours. I prayed that they'd find someone whose strengths matched their weaknesses and vice versa. A person who would challenge them, encourage them and love them. I also prayed that the people they ended up with would know that marriage isn't all butterflies and roses, that it takes work and sacrifice and determination. That it is no fairy tale, even the best ones. That marriage commitment is just that, a commitment to stick it out, to work it out, despite how so very hard that might be.

And about 2 years ago I started hearing my parents talk about Marcus dating a girl named Lindsey. Marcus had dated before, but it was primarily of the "group dating" variety with his friends. Nothing really serious. But I kept hearing more of this Lindsey person. Then I got to meet her and I was pleasantly surprised. Not because Marcus wasn't capable of picking good women to date, but because she was so great. Smart, funny, outgoing, didn't put up with his crap, gorgeous, looked at Marcus with googly eyes, etc. They were instantly really cute together. I saw Marcus in a way I hadn't for awhile (by nature of not being around him much when he was in college and I was in the family way) and that was this caretaker, nurturer, go-to guy. It was just so fun to watch them together.

Then Marcus got into the Palmer School of Chiropractic in Davenport, Lindsey decided to transfer to St. Ambrose and last August the pair of them moved to the QC. Having spent more days and weekends playing cards, watching movies and grilling out together I was just in love with the two of them together. My prayers became, "Please don't let Satan screw these two up. Protect them. Nurture them. Encourage them. Bless them."

And so He did. On Thursday my brother proposed and Lindsey accepted. A whole new ballgame. I get to be a sister-in-law again (I'm thrilled) and Marcus gets a whole new "title" in his life, that of "husband". I have no doubts about these two. No doubts that there will be the very best of times, that they will be great for each other and to each other and that the times when they're not, they'll work through it and do what it takes to come out the other side together.

But for today, I'm just so happy and so excited for them.



Oh, and Happy Birthday baby bro!

Shoeless Wonder

So today was the annual "One Day Without Shoes" sponsored by TOMS.

That meant for the whole day (with the exception of when I was either walking through the Y-they have a policy about barefeet-or teaching my classes) my piggies looked like this.



The "One Day Without Shoes" campaign asks us to go without shoes for a day, an hour or a moment to put ourselves where a lot of the developing world is...shoeless.

I've talked before about Tariku's feet. There's a disease in Ethiopia that infects the feet and leads to some pretty awful stuff, 100% preventable with good foot hygiene and...shoes. Tariku clearly went shoeless his first 3 years of life. This is a real issue.

So try it tomorrow.

Until then, go here and getcha some. I might just have to purchase the "Purple Sumatra Vegan Classic". Buy a pair, a pair goes to someone who needs them. One for one, it's almost too easy.

Oh, and the Eggs

Picture Time

Saturday night, with the whole family there, we decided to have a little photography session.

Before any picture taking there is always wrestling involved.



No wrestling is complete without their almost 87-year-old great grandpa getting involved too.



Lots of generations in this little picture.



With the grandparents (and dogs, obviously).







Our full family picture. I think I now know why they tell actors to never work with kids or dogs.

Easter Weekend

was fantastic. Saturday morning Zach and I had our final adoption classes. They were good, and meeting more adoptive parents is always food for the soul.

After that the ladies went to get our annual pedicures and the men went to play golf.

The crew sans my mom (the photographer).



Lindsey and Kara (my sister).



Kara, my mom and my grandma with their wine, we lead a very rough life.







Dailah got her first shot at a pumice stone. Tickled a bit, too precious!



It is REALLY fun having a girl, did I mention that?



Watching this relationship this weekend was so fun. Dailah and her great-grandma. I think they were both smitten with each other.



This fish was even more heinous than pictured. Dailah was enjoying putting her finger against the glass and watching ugly fish swim fiercely towards it to try to eat it.



Dailah couldn't reach the foot light so she got creative.

It's In!

We just got an email telling us that our dossier made it to Ethiopia today! Yippee!

We also just got an email saying that the two trip rule will come into effect May 9th. Our agency is saying we just need to have our case submitted to court before May 9th (that would mean we're good to go with just 1 trip) but other agencies are reporting that you have to have a court date by May 9th (if that's true, more than likely we'll be traveling twice).

Are you loving this ride yet?

It's a really tricky thing. I think the two-trip rule is great...for people who are just starting the process, thinking about starting the process, etc. Anything Ethiopia does to strengthen their ethical adoption program, is a very good thing. However, for those of us so close to bringing our babies home, this news is difficult for various reasons.

For us...financial comes to mind, as we're talking about thousands of dollars. There's also the issue of Zach's work, taking all of that time off as well as at least one of the court dates landing smack dab in the middle of summer (impossible for Zach to do). The biggest issue for me is that our boys are 6 and 3. For the last year and a half, they've watched adoptive parents come meet their friends and then leave with their friends. Our boys would be one of the first wave of kids who met their parents and then watched as their parents left them again.

Can you imagine? 6 and 3-years-old. After hearing Tariku verbalize his feeling of abandonment when we left him for a few hours when in Ethiopia, I cannot imagine the feeling of abandonment our boys would feel if we didn't come back for months.

Again, if we were just starting this and our boys got to see months and months of kids meet their parents, wait a few months and then leave with them, it would be a different (better) story. But the fact is I have no doubt it will hurt the attachment/bonding process for us and our boys.

I do have to say I've been coping remarkably well (if I do say so myself). I attribute it all to Tariku. I was truly loco during his process and now he's here and he's ours and he was worth every single second of panic, even if they were seemingly justified. So I know our boys will come home. I know that in 2 years, whatever happens, I'll be praising God for the little miracles snoring loudly in their beds.

So eyes on the prize, we're one step closer to bringing our boys home. I think that's worth a Wendy's frosty and a glass of Merlot. Salut!

Ouch

My bones hurt. 10 hours of garage sale prepping. Tagging more clothes, scarves and crap than you can possibly imagine. Thankfully Lindsey and my sister came to help, I really don't want to imagine life (or garage sale-ing) without those two.

That's it. This was me before the tagging. If you can read my shirt (and know Italian) it says "Life is Beautiful" and despite the exhaustion from the last 10 hours I still believe that with every part of me.



PS. Note, I moved our recycling "process" (under the Thomas train) indoors per Zach's "request". As you'll remember, taking that to the recycling center is on my to-do list for the week. Perhaps tomorrow?

Good Start

Cleaned out 2 of the 3 rooms I needed to.

All closets cleaned out. I purged a decent portion of my wardrobe and it feels so good. There is something to this whole "keeping things I only use" deal. The past year I've been extremely selective about what I bring into the home. I have to like it enough to use it every day or I just don't bring it to the house at all.

I "announced" to Zach that I'll never work again at a place that I need a suit or high heels so a lot of my dress clothes are going in the garage sale. Zach was excited about the paired down wardrobe, not so much at the notion that I'll never work full-time again. (Joking, he supports me either way).

Finished Tariku's post placement report.

Looked into health insurance but haven't pulled the trigger, can I check it off yet or not?

I also managed to add a few more bullet points. I like to keep myself on my toes. :)

All this to say the first day of spring break was a success and now it's time for bed.

But first, these, these are my TOMS (one of my TOMS). If you don't have these in your closet, you need to get them. Every time you buy a pair of these shoes they give a pair to a person in the developing world in need of shoes. Word on the street is they are developing a sandal and if that happens, I'll work on owning exclusively TOMS.

Spring Break

I LOVE spring break. A week with all of my babies around me? It's all very exciting. They are excited too, they just don't know what's coming. This week we're going to be very busy, or I am anyway. They'll be playing outside (with temps in the 60's-70's of course they will be!) while I'm doing my own spring cleaning.

I'm making my list public so that I can be held more accountable. Granted, I still have to teach classes 3 of the 5 days but Zach can tell you that when I set my mind to something I very rarely fail at making it happen.

-Print off 2 pieces of adoption stuff

-More Partner with Youth stuff for the Y

-Start sorting through garage sale stuff (if you have anything you want to put in our garage sale let me know, I'll take it off your hands-all $ going towards our travel to pick up our babes).

-Look into switching insurance providers

-Take back recycling and order recycling bins

-Clean out shoe room

-Clean out John Deere room (our "storage room" that still has a lot of Camp's stuff

-Clean the house

-Steam the carpets

-Steam the couches

-Put away Christmas dishes (that is really embarrasing)

-Finish Tariku's Post-placement report

So I'm off. Wish me luck. And have no fear, I'll still make plenty of time for these people.












Have no fear...we did not get another dog, this is my brother's dog, Bentley. Beeeeautiful!