Been Thinking

About pretty much everything. Lots going on in this head of mine. Enough to keep me up for brief moments throughout the night. Enough that I can't even take naps! Isn't it crazy when that kind of thing happens? When thoughts or ideas keep you up at night.

My topic of choice lately has been that of "suffering". Specifically what causes people to enter into suffering willingly? I have friends, friends like Andrea and another good friend who is dear to my heart who have done so. I've been researching HIV/AIDS a lot lately. For whatever reason God is placing it on my heart so I've been like some sort of maniac with research. But it doesn't leave me, it's like some weird skunk spray that just doesn't come off.

I'm the kind of person that spent the better part of my adoption/pregnancies praying fervently for my kids to be healthy, happy and strong. Don't let anything happen to them because I wouldn't be able to handle it! Don't we all? Something like 90% of babies who are shown to have (or likely have) Downs Syndrome are aborted. 90%. That's flippin' crazy! So those moms/dads are on one side. Then you have the other moms/dads who are asking to adopt children with Downs Syndrome on the other. Willingly entering into the suffering. What sets them apart? What is so different about them that they make such different choices?

When I seriously look in the mirror I realize I'm the person who is constantly trying to be a little more like Jesus every day. That's what I want to be, that's how I want to act; yet I spend so much of my time sidestepping suffering. And how in the world is that Jesus like at all? Jesus didn't sidestep. He died on the cross, (for us!) for goodness sakes. I think that's the exact opposite of sidestepping.

So I'm trying to figure out if I'm really the kind of person who can enter into all the suffering. We got to see a bit of it in Ethiopia. In that small part I realize love is shown in more vibrant colors and the hand of God is bigger and brighter than any other time I've claimed to have seen it. And yet, my first instinct is always to run away from it!

I'm human, I get that. But these last few weeks have shown me that "their" suffering (whoever that might be) is not "theirs" at all. It's "ours". It's not "their" problem they have no water. It's ours. It's not "their" problem that lack of life-saving AIDS medication is killing generations of people, it's "ours". This isn't semantics at all!

Until we (and by "we" I mean "I") realize that they are not the entire problem, nor are they the entire solution, there will continue to be so much suffering. When we wake up and realize our inaction is part of the problem then we'll no longer be able to be on the sidestepping part of the equation.

I'm just kind of sick of sidestepping. I want to be a diver. I want to dive into the suffering and get all warm and cozy there. I want to hold hands with my brothers and sisters around the world and SHOW them we love them.

By no other way but entering into the suffering.