Friday, September 14, 2007

Late Night Thoughts

It's 10:42 on a Friday night. The kids are in bed, my parents are staying the night on their way to watch my favorite little brother play soccer in Chicago, my favorite husband is bowling with his siblings and I'm here, not sleeping. Thinking and praying and crying. I know, those that know me are asking themselves, "what's new?"

Interesting sidenote, I am on my bed at camp typing this, we finally got the internet today out here. Yippee ki yay (how in the world would you spell such a thing?)

Anywho...I'm thinking of my kids this night. Not just my kids who are safe and sound. One in her crib, her soft blankets caressing her baby skin, heated house on this frosty night. One on the floor, surrounded by a grandma and grandpa that love him. Both with more blankets, stuffed animals and love than can fit in one room, one house, one nation, even. But I'm also thinking of my kids in Ethiopia. We talked a lot with our social worker at our homestudy (which went well by the way) about what we were thinking for our kids. We're pretty set on 2 siblings 3.5 and under. She seemed to be pushing us towards one for some reason but we've been feeling led to two. We will continue to pray and talk this over. I'm begging for His will and not my own on this issue.

But are my children born yet? Are they suffering? GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET THEM BE SUFFERING! Rainy season has somewhat ended. Were they protected during this time? Were they kept warm and dry by coverings or love? Do they know of you, Dearest Jesus? Do they know of your grace that will bring them to us in the harshest of ways. Do they know of their impending loss and our impending gain? Do they know how my heart aches for their hurt and yearns for them? Tell them, tell them I love them already. Tell them though they may lose all that is good and true in their world, we will love them as our own.

Tell them of their amazing daddy they will be getting. Who will love them more than they can measure. Who will be there, through the pain, suffering, joys, love, hurt, crying, laughing and everything in between. Who will be their rock. Who will teach them of You and all Your goodness.

Tell them of their big brother who will teach them what kindess means. What it means to laugh from your belly. How to trick mommy into thinking you ate more than you did. Who will get them in trouble and keep them out of trouble. Who will be there for support and encouragement. Who will love them unconditionally and completely stand up for them should harm come their way again.

Tell them of their sister. Tell them of her laugh and her giggle. Tell them of her stubborness and beauty. Tell them of the way they will play with her and laugh with her. Of the way she will love them and jump up and down when she sees them. Tell them of her kisses and how she will do her best to heal even the harshest of wounds with them.

And tell them of me. Though I may stumble and fall short of what You were hoping for me every day, tell them how I will cover them in prayer as I do my family now. Tell them how I have loved them before I knew of them. Tell them I love their abaye and amaye (father and mother in Amharic, the national Ethiopian language). Tell them I love their country and culture, that I love them in every way possible. Tell them, God, that I will fall short. That I am a flawed mom and that I will make mistakes. But I will be there for them. I will do my absolute best and above all else, Lord, tell them of my undying love. Tell them how I shower my children with love and hugs and kisses. How I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure they know how much I love them.

Tell them we're coming. Let Your timing be perfect. Let them have all the time they need with their parents and their family. Help their parents remember every freckle, every expression. Engrave it on their memories. Bless our children with more love than they can stand. Your timing may be hard on me through this journey but I know You go before me and prepare our way. Give me the patience and the wisdom to understand that.


jody said...

I am so excited about this connection!
And I so relate to the pleadings our your heart as a mother who is seperated by a huge ocean from the children that will be her own someday... and the grief and confusion and excitement, all mingled together.

Many prayers for your journey, and looking forward to chatting.

Mama Sweet Pea said...

Oh honey! Wish I was there and we could cry together! Your post was so very heartfelt. I have no doubt that God is wrapping your babies in love! He has something wonderful in store for you...better than you could ever imagine on your own. Hang on for the ride...your kids are waiting!


Anonymous said...

Oh Tesi - now I’m crying! It is very unsettling to think about the conditions that they may be in now BUT No matter how far away your kids are I am sure the can feel your love shielding them from rain, cold, or any other difficulties they may have to face. They will be home soon, and it makes me smile to think of the moment when they realize how lucky they are to join your family! : )

- Kristen