I didn't sleep very well last night. I thought about Tariku. I pictured him laughing, it was beautiful. I pictured him sleeping, it was angelic. I pictured him playing soccer, it was joy. I pictured him looking at me as his mom, it was love.
It's amazing, really. How sometimes my heart actually aches. My younger son is halfway across the world and he's doing all of these things that I mentioned. He's doing all of them without me. He has experienced something in life NO ONE should ever have to and yet...he lives. Contrary to what our human nature tells us; that if something is bad enough we'll just disapper, he lives! He lives and he seemingly thrives. He is a fighter (which I'm sure will give me gray hairs throughout our lives together) and I couldn't be more excited to meet this person!
Trysten and I talked about Tariku tonight for the better part of 2 hours, all with Trysten asking questions. I have taken things with him fairly slowly since there are still a few months before Tariku comes home. But Tman was just asking all these questions about what he'd be like, what he's like. I wished I could answer all of them for him. But I talked about how it might be a little difficult to understand what he's saying at first and he might need a little more attention than most of the 3-yr-olds he knows. I told Trysten he'd have to share his toys and his room and it might not be fun all the time, though we hope it will be more than not. He said, "Mommy, if I have a toy and Tariku wants it, I'll just give it to him and get a different one." I told him he didn't have to do that all the time, but it would be nice sometimes. He says, "No mommy, I want to give it to Tariku, he's my brother."
I asked him how he was feeling about it all. Was he happy or sad? Excited or scared? He thought about it for a minute and said, "I think I'm about halfish (I need to stop making up words around him) don't know and halfish happy. I thought that was ridiculously profound for a 4-yr-old and arguably of a human no matter the age. Because I would guess if I had to put my emotions into words it'd be somewhat similar. The don't know half is just that, we have no idea what to expect. But I've always subscribed to the choose happiness category instead of the let fear run your life category. It's healthier, and that alone will get me through life with my sanity in check.
But just when I think Trysten couldn't get more amazing, he does. We were saying our nightly prayers and he prays, "Tell Tariku that I love him and bring him home safely when he comes." He asked me if I thought Tariku knows that we love him. I told him I hope he can feel that he is loved. Trysten said, "I think he does know that we love him mom. I think Jesus whispers in our ears when we're sleeping. I think the other night (his phrase meaning last night) he whispered in mine that Tariku loves me the most and that is how I know Tariku knows who I am. So if Jesus is whispering in my ear, I bet he is with Tariku too and so he knows mommy, don't worry." That is word for word what he said, I went and wrote it down right away. He also said it as he played with my hair. This all led to me bawling my eyes out when I left his room.
So I must praise God tonight, not just for Tariku or Trysten or Dailah but for the wisdom of the youngest of us. I now know exactly why God tells us to have faith like a child.